3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
