I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
