Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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