how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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