And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
