I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
