if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you had me at cake vodka
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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