Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize