My balls are so social today.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
