you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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