The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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