He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
