She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
