She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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