you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize