You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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