I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
