i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
