so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
