I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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