found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
