I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
