I need to stop coming to work sober
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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