I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
