you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
