Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
