So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
