Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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