So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize