watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
