The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
