Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
