I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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