Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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