I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
