it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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