my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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