I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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