I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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