for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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