He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
