your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
