she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
