I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
