At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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