I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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