I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
