I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
