So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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