I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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