Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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