mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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