It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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