If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
