his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
