I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
